


This is her trying

by ad_meliora



Category: Military Wives (2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst?, Bisexuality, Casual Sex, F/F, F/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:40:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27900160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ad_meliora/pseuds/ad_meliora
Summary: What might have happened between Kate and Lisa after the Royal Albert Hall performance?
Relationships: Kate Barkley/Lisa Lawson, Kate Barkley/Richard Barkley
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

Lisa wasn’t the first.

Kate had fallen in love with — been with women before. In college. A particular woman. She’d been smart and beautiful and they’d been roommates. Everything had been so easy. Until they weren’t. Until Kate found out Imogen was sleeping her TA and had no intention of stoping. Kate moved out as soon as she could, tried to move on. Met Richard. And so it was.

Nothing was easy with Lisa. Everything was a struggle or a misstep. Even when they got closer, they still fought furiously.

They’d fucked after the Royal Albert Hall. Just inside the door of Lisa’s house while Frankie was picking up dinner from the chippy. Kate was still wearing her long black dress, had changed back into her sensible flat boots at Frankie’s behest.

They’d been talking and laughing in triumph when Kate had given Lisa a sweet peck and triumphant smile and something had snapped inside Lisa. She tugged Kate inside and pressed her against the door of the entry way, back against the wall, mouth insistent and warm against Kate, who, without hesitation parted her lips to allow Lisa inside.

Lisa had wasted no time, bunching the long dress up on her arm, teasing Kate with the tips of her fingers until Kate squirmed against her, “Please, Lisa, I can’t take it.”

The sex was hot and fast and raunchy. Lisa took care of them both, finishing herself off only after having watched Kate orgasm with characteristic ferocity, brow pinched and mouth open almost as though in pain.

After that, Kate had made a point not to be alone with Lisa. She couldn’t trust herself. Things with Richard were so beautiful since the concert — they understood each other again. She couldn’t risk it. Not for a woman who she wasn’t even sure liked her. She would not have another Imogen on her hands.

Lisa, for her part, was livid. Did Kate really think her so sex crazed or herself so desirable that they couldn’t be alone? It infuriated her. It wounded her.

She wasn’t proud of herself. She tricked Kate into coming over by saying Frankie asked her to help mend a hole in her favorite jumper. Kate turned up, dutifully, because of course she would. Kate adored Frankie.

“Hello, Lisa. Has Frankie got her jumper? I brought some thread. I thought I could show her for next time.” Lisa waved her inside, shutting the door behind her and Kate made her way into the living room.

“She’s not here, Kate. I just had to see you. Can’t we just talk about whatever you’re pissed about?”

“No. There’s nothing to talk about.” Kate looked around expectantly. “Is there even a jumper or was that just some ruse?”

“Kate! There is no jumper. Can you please focus?”

“That’s rich,” she scoffed. Lisa was not in a gracious mood.

“Now you want to fight?”

“You are the one that tricked me, Lisa. Not the other way around. I’m leaving.” Kate hadn’t even taken off her coat and now she was leaving.

“What is your problem, Kate? It was just a happy fuck.” Kate stilled.

“I see.”

“You don’t have to avoid me just because it wasn’t your cup of tea.” Lisa added, softening her words slightly to hide her own feeling of insecurity and rejection.

“I didn’t like it,” Kate lied. Lisa’s eyebrows rose sharply, then furrowed.

“Yes, you did. I watched you cum.”

“No. I didn’t.”

“You can lie about a lot of things, but that’s not one of them. I _felt_ you do it. I know what it’s like to fake it. That wasn’t it.”

Kate flushed, cheeks bright pink. She hadn’t been expected Lisa to be quite so attentive or interested.

“I...” Kate couldn’t quite find the words. Lisa seized the opportunity. They didn’t come often with Kate.

“I think,” she started, “maybe you’re just sore about it because I didn’t deliver the whole thing. Fingers are great, but I guess maybe I should have put a little bit more effort in. Gone the extra mile.” They were still in the living room, Kate in the doorway next to a Billie bookshelf from IKEA. Lisa stepped closer, boxed her in so that her back was nearly against the bookcase before kneeling before her, supplicant, but far from submissive. “I know you appreciate effort.”

Kate looked down at her, frozen in shock at the woman before her. Lisa’s hands reached up, hands rubbing lightly up her denim-clad calves to the back of her knees, thighs, and buttocks, raising up on her knees as she did so, her face suddenly flush with the zipper of Kate’s jeans. She shut her eyes, resting her cheek against the neatly closed and covered fly. Kate was looking down at her when she finally cast her eyes up.

“I should have used my mouth,” Lisa concluded, hands resting on the back pockets. Kate’s breath hitched. Lisa removed one hand from Kate, bringing it around to gently pop open the top button of Kate’s jeans, dragging the zipper down slowly, eyes glued to Kate’s face as she watched on, almost impassive save the tense set of her jaw, as though she was trying to hold something in the back of her throat. Lisa broke eye contact only to kiss the space that had opened between the closures of Kate’s jeans, listening intently as Kate strangled a whimper.

From there, it was easy. Kate mounted no resistance, her soft acknowledgments of pleasure growing louder as Lisa continued her ministrations, finally making good on her promise to use her mouth.

Kate walked home afterward, her knickers still wet.

She told Richard. Told him everything. He looked at her, first impassive then with a kind of curiosity that made her stomach flip.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Katie?”

“What?” She wasn’t sure she’d heard him right. He didn’t sound angry. He didn’t even sound unhappy.

“That you were gay!”

“I’m not gay, Richard,” Kate corrected. She wasn’t. She still loved him. Still liked men. Always had.

“Sorry, I don’t really know what the word is. But, Katie, you could have told me about that girl! It doesn’t matter.”

“Imogen isn’t really the problem right now, Richard.”

“Oh, don’t worry about Lisa. She’ll lose interest. I’m sure she’s just... wound up. She’s got a reputation.”

“Excuse me?”

“She’s just a bit easy. And I can understand a wandering eye. We’ve been so distant for so long. I get it,” he said, rubbing her hand reassuringly. She could tell he meant it, wholeheartedly. He was forgiving her. Accepting her. She felt her stomach knot.

“I want to keep seeing Lisa.” He eyed her quizzically. She covered her face with her hands.

“I don’t know what I’m saying, Richard.” She sighed into her hands. “I like it. I don’t want to stop.”

He was silent.

“It feels good,” she said quietly. “Different than us.”

Then he laughed. Hard. “I’d hope so! She hasn’t got a dick, Katie!”

Ironically, or perhaps predictably, Richard’s dick had sealed the deal. Rather, Kate’s mouth around it had. How could this compare to what she’d done with Lisa? Or vice versa? They were just two altogether different things.

She returned to Lisa’s in the morning.

“Richard and I have come to an agreement,” she announced, stepping inside with a smile. “I can have you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Well,” Kate stalled. She’d expected a little bit more enthusiasm. “We had a chat and have agreed about you and I.”

“And what did you _agree?”_ Lisa bristled.

“That you and I can be together. I can have both of you. It’s ok.”

“You’ve never _had_ me Kate. You never even touched me. We’ve only done it twice and neither of those involved you _having_ me. You’re the one who was had.”

“What?”

“I should have known you’d be a pillow princess,” Lisa huffed, stomping back into the kitchen.

“A what?”

“You didn’t even ask if I wanted to cum!” Lisa snapped.

“Well did you?”

“Of course I did! But you up and left and went back to your husband and _talked_ about it.” Kate winced as she thought about the rest of the evening, how she’d gone down on Richard until he’d practically dragged her head away, how she had mounted him, sinking down easily and ridden him until he’d cum inside her, milky semen dripping down her leg as she’d walked into the bathroom to clean herself up. How she’s slept well after having not one of them, but both. She flushed in shame. Richard thought Lisa was the easy one while she’d been behaving like a slut.

“You should go Kate,” Lisa told her. “I don’t think this _agreement_ is going to work for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I posted this, then deleted it, and now it's back.  
> I have a second part in my head, but am not sure about whether it's worth it to write it down. Open to suggestion and commentary.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things you can predict, but hope won't come true.

They avoid each other for a week. Or rather, Kate avoids Lisa, still brimming with shame and smarting from being so pointedly rejected. It was her own fault. She knew that. She simply didn’t know what else to do.

She spent the week avoiding the store and trying to be inside when the teenagers returned from school for the day, lest she encounter Frankie. Even that hurt. She slept with Richard and thought about Lisa shouting at her that blowjobs are done with the mouth.

Lisa was notified a week to the day after their fight. She’d been listening to dust-covered CDs dug out of the garage and putting away dishes and trying not to think about how much she wished she could sing Gold Dust Woman into Kate’s face until she understood. There had been a knock and she hadn’t even thought twice, left the CD spinning in the player, just opened the door and saw the bottom fall out of her world.

Crooks called her. Kate didn’t know when Lisa had changed her request form, but Crooks informed her, yes, she was the trusted friend listed. Kate’s hair was still wet from the shower she’d gotten out of to answer the phone, still acclimated to the habit. She sat on the closed toilet lid in her towel in silence, murmuring good bye when Crooks hung up. She wondered if it was too late to send Jess or Ruby in her place.

She didn’t. She couldn’t. For so many reasons.

Lisa dove into her arms when she opened the door, burying her face in Kate’s neck, sobbing into the collar of her shirt, repeating Kate’s name as though she was the one who’d died, not Red.

Kate made her tea, sat her down, just like she’d done with Sarah. She tried to imagine she was sitting in that little house again. She’d known what to do then. She wished she knew what to do now.

Frankie came back from school early. Her face was puffy. She let her mother hug her for a long time.

Lisa had been in bed for three days before Kate dragged her out.

“Why don’t you have a shower?” Kate suggested. She used her teacher voice, the one that she used with the choir when she “suggested” corrections.

“What does it fucking matter?” Lisa snapped, rolling herself away from Kate and burrowing further into the bed. Kate understood the urge. She'd nearly given herself alcohol poisoning when Jamie died. Some forms of burrowing were healthier than others. 

“You cannot continue to do this, Lisa. What about Frankie? She hasn’t even seen you in two days.” Lisa pulled the blankets up farther, burying her face into them as though to make Kate disappear.

“It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want to see me anyway. She doesn’t even like me!”

Kate snatched away the duvet. “Stop it! You are a grown woman and that is your _child_. You cannot do this. You have responsibilities. I know —“

“Why are you even here, Kate? Don’t you have someone else to nag? Just fuck off!”

“Stop acting like a toddler,” Kate shouted back. Adjusting her voice again, she added, “I will not _fuck off_. You need to take a shower. I will drag you in there myself, if need be, but I will not let you just lay here anymore.”

Kate had not meant it literally, but drag Lisa into the shower she did, pajamas and all.

“Fuck you!” Lisa had yelled at her as she’d shoved them both under the spray. Lisa kept shouting until she cried, sinking into the shower tile. Kate’s clothes clung to her and sagged under the water weight. “He’s gone,” Lisa choked. Kate hushed her softly, gently pulling her off the shower wall and tucking Lisa back into the crook of her neck, shutting her eyes as the shower continue to spray.

Kate helped with the arrangements as best she could, assembling lists, organizing, calling. The choir sang Home Thoughts from Abroad. Kate stood beside Frankie at the graveside. Lisa said nothing the entire afternoon, didn’t even attend the wake.

Kate found her still at the grave after the cars had driven back to the garrison.

“I was thinking about you,” Lisa said, eyes unmoving on the headstone.

“What?”

“When they told me. I was thinking about you. I was still angry with you.” Her eyes shone with tears unshed. “God, I hate you, Kate.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love and hate are very similar things.

Kate stops coming around after the funeral.

She picks Frankie up from school twice a week, takes her driving around the countryside in the Volvo station wagon she and Richard bought when Jamie was a teenager and listens to Frankie talk about her dad and how much she misses him. She doesn’t mention why she doesn’t come by the house anymore and hopes that Frankie will leave it at that.

She doesn’t.

“You don’t come see Mum anymore,” Frankie says one day as Kate is doing a three-point turn on one of the virtually nameless two-lane roads that criss-cross the open fields, paddocks, and woods that surround the base.

“She hasn’t asked to see me.”

“So?”

“So, it’s impolite to barge in on people. I’m sure she’s tired of seeing me anyway.”

“I think she’s lonely.”

Kate swallowed. She probably was. 

“Grief is a complicated thing. Everyone experiences it differently," Kate says evasively. 

“Just come see us?” She’s never been good at telling Frankie no.

Still, she ensures Frankie is at school when she goes to see Lisa. Lisa opens the door in a pair of dark yoga pants and thick wool pullover that covers her from chin to hips.

“Hello, Lisa,” she says quietly. “I wanted to see how you were doing since the funeral.”

“I’m fine. I’m just fine,” she says, shutting the door in her face. Kate can see her silhouette in the clouded glass of the front door.

“Open the door.”

Lisa’s silhouette shifts, then opens the door again.

“Can we talk?” Kate asks. 

“I can’t, Kate. I... I can’t.”

“That’s ok,” Kate says. “We can just sit together.”

They don’t. They end up on the couch, Lisa pressing Kate into the cushions with her body, her mouth earnest on Kate’s whispering a choked combination of “I’m sorry” and “I love you.” Kate pretends not to hear. She doesn’t let her put her hand under her shirt when she tries, keeps her legs closed, pulls Lisa upright when she has the chance.

“Not tonight,” Kate tells her. “It’s too soon.”

“I was thinking about you,” Lisa tells her again. “I was so angry with you and then he died and I shouldn’t have cared at all about you, but I did and I fucking hate myself,” Lisa spews. “I can’t stop loving you and I fucking hate it. I hate you. I hate him. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I hate this whole fucking place.”

She kisses Kate again. Hard. Presses her face into Kate’s, bites her lips and tugs on her hair. Kate tells her she doesn’t want to do it there, tells her to warm up the shower. She slips out when Lisa goes upstairs.

She has to wear lipstick to cover the bruise on her lip for a few days.

It’s six weeks before they start the choir again. The women are restless and Lisa is losing her mind at home coordinating the imminent off-base move. Lisa starts seeing a grief counselor, once a week on her own and once a week with Frankie. Kate hears about it from Frankie over pizza after school. Kate picks at the toppings. She doesn’t really like pizza.

It’s easier to be with Lisa during choir practices. She can be professional. They settle into a tense rhythm not unlike the early days. Kate tries not to think about Lisa’s repeated “I love yous” on the sofa the last time they were alone together. She still thinks about Lisa every time she gives Richard a blow job.

“Hey,” Lisa calls after her one day after a particularly grueling practice. “Can we talk about the tour?” Kate nods, begins to walk back up the stairs to the practice room.

“Can we go to mine, actually? I’m expecting a call from the movers.” Kate thinks the deadline to leave must coming soon and her heart sinks.

“Ok.”

“Thanks,” Lisa says. 

The house is nearly entirely boxed up. Everything except the furniture. Kate asks politely where they’ll be moving to, hoping despite herself that it’s not far.

“Just in town. Sarah and I are going to start carpooling,” Lisa answers, ushering them into the living room. It somehow looks smaller.

“So, the tour?”

“Kate...” Kate is reminded of the ruse with the jumper. It feels like years ago.

“This isn’t about the tour, is it?”

“No. It’s not,” Lisa admits. They’re standing in the living room, the same one in which Kate had let Lisa fuck her. The same living room where she hadn’t.

“Alright, what is it, then?”

“I’ve been seeing a counselor.”

Kate nodded. “Frankie mentioned that.”

“It’s helped me.”

“I’m glad.”

“I miss you, Kate. I’m sorry I said I hate you.” Lisa looks like she’s about to cry and Kate suddenly can’t look at her anymore.

“Alright.”

“Can you look at me, please? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry...” Kate looks at Lisa’s feet instead. “Kate, please.”

Something in Kate breaks then and all of the sudden she’s there, holding Lisa in her arms again breathing into Lisa’s mouth and kissing her like it's necessary for survival. They tangle on the carpet, Lisa once again pressing into Kate with her body.

“Please say yes,” she begs, her fingers grazing the hem of Kate’s shirt. All Kate can say is “yes.”

They’ve never been naked together before. Lisa, Kate realizes, has never been undressed at all during their previous sexual escapades. It makes her flush in embarrassment and shame at her own selfishness. 

She makes a point of undressing Lisa, doing it gently and with care. She kisses the tops of her bare feet, up to the bones of pelvis that stick out when she lays flat on her back. She kisses the palms of her hands, her wrists. Both shoulders. Her collar bones, her temples. She covers Lisa in kisses, each full of adoration and reverence. “Please, Kate,” Lisa begs, the words choked. Kate kisses Lisa’s thighs, draws her tongue between them, listens as her breath begins to come in pants, mewls, and cries. Kate listens to her climax twice before she allows herself to roll out from between Lisa’s legs, staring at the ceiling and trying to imagine a time after this.

Lisa wriggles down to her, looking intently at Kate. She thinks she must have something on her face, wiping the stickiness at her her mouth with her palm.

“Can I?” Lisa asks. Kate has no idea what about. All she can say is yes. Lisa shifts her weight, rising up to straddle Kate before leaning down to kiss her. She looks beautiful in the glow of the late afternoon, her pale skin glowing golden. Her golden woman.

Lisa kisses her until she can’t taste herself anymore, reaching between them and thrusting easily into Kate with her fingers. For the first time, Kate is loud. She cries and moans and begs for Lisa, cums with her breast in Lisa’s mouth and fingers buried inside her. Lisa cannot tell if she’s being consumed or consuming. She finishes riding Kate’s thigh as Kate comes down to earth, sweaty and panting. And she laughs.

“Oh,” Kate breathes, her body flushed. She’s not sure she can formulate words yet.

“I have rug burn,” Lisa laughs. She raises her leg, pointing to her knee in demonstration.

Kate sits up, picks up her bra, can’t find her panties. Lisa stares up at her, naked except her necklace and dark bra. “Did you already pack up the ointments?” Lisa waves her off.

“I’m okay, Kate. That’s what I wanted to tell you. What I tried to tell you, I guess. You don’t have to take care of me anymore.” Kate frowns suddenly, begins to look for her panties again, and Lisa is worried she’s messed it up again. They're behind a box labeled “books.”

“I want you to know,” Lisa continues, sitting up as Kate steps into her panties and then her jeans, “that I loved Red and I miss him and that you make my world spin, even when I think it can’t.” Kate pulls her tank top back on, putting her arms through the sleeves of her sweater, tugging it over her head. “I love you. I wanted to tell you I love you. Loving you makes me okay.” Kate nods, eyes pricking with tears she refuses to let fall.

“Do you love me?” Lisa asks.

All she can say is “yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say a word of thanks for the encouragement on the first chapter. I feel a bit bad that I opened with sexiness and then went straight into death and angst. Did my best to balance it out in this last chapter. Commentary always appreciated and encouraged!

**Author's Note:**

> So, I posted this, then deleted it, and now it's back.   
> I have a second part in my head, but am not sure about whether it's worth it to write it down. Open to suggestion and commentary.


End file.
